Caring for aged parents who live miles away is not normally a problem that many people in my birth city would face.  Hong Kong is a very small place after all. It is true that traveling among different remote parts of the city (say, from Tuen Mun to Aberdeen) still takes an hour or two. It is also true that some locations are far closer to downtown’s commercial districts and therefore more convenient than others, which accounts for the drastic differences in housing prices. Still, those who live separate from their parents can see them very frequently, or at least regularly–and at little cost–if they want. Those who complain about having “no time” for their parents can only blame themselves.
The need to take care of aged parents’ emotional needs while living away is more of a problem in big countries. Many Americans, for example, move to different cities for work and study. Imagine people born in California who travel to Massachusetts to study, and subsequently, to Florida to work. A former colleague told me that he was not by his late father’s side when he passed away. “He had been sick for a long time,” he said, “and died before I could take a break from work to see him.” I asked him how he copied with it. He said, “well, I tried to focus on my favorite projects at work. Life is full of little regrets. I wish I had taken better care of his–and my own–emotional needs.”
For some time, it never occurred to me that I would have to face this problem. I was by my dad’s side when he passed (well, almost… I was in Hong Kong during his last days and even witnessed the strange noise rattling through his throat — the “death rattle” as they call it — although when he actually passed I was having dinner with mom and sister.) I have since then came back to the West and left behind my mom-who has not been in a great state since he passed.
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This blog post was inspired by a classmate whose father passed away in her third year at law school. While it is common enough to see colleagues taking a leave of absence to attend their parents’ funerals, this is not rare in graduate schools too. In American law programs, the youngest students are in their early twenties at the start of the program. Many are older and have aged parents. At the law school I attended, there was at least one student every academic year who, for this reason, had to be absent from classes for at least a week.
My classmate received a text during class, which informed her that her father had just passed away. When she returned from his funeral, she appeared very calm–even contented. When probed, she replied they had enjoyed a very close relationship. Although she was saddened by his sudden death, she felt that there was “no word left unsaid.”
Her father had a cute way of communicating with her and other family members, including leaving small handwritten notes in their bags and on their desks. Even while she was away studying in a different state, he mailed handwritten notes, sometimes accompanied by small gifts, to her. She reciprocated by returning letters. This take place on top of regular emails and texts, although the number of emails/text were not as frequent as in many parent-child relationships.
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Let’s assume that you already have the material needs of your parents well taken care of by the state or by other siblings. Many western countries have pension schemes that can cover the living allowances of the aged. Nursing homes are cheap or almost free. Alternatively, people hire caretakers to look after their parents who live separate from them.
In this digital age, people have video-chats via a number of software programs. Very few people send handwritten notes. All these methods of communication are excellent. Relying on completely different ways of communication depending on whether one is living with parents, and changing to a different way of communication after moving away from them, would tend to dramatize the shift from presence to absence and magnify emotional void created when the child is away. I chit-chatted with mom using WhatsApp even while living with her, and have continued to do so after I moved overseas. This has been supplemented by handwritten notes. Hence, there was no emotional, heart-wrenching shift from “presence” to “absence,” but rather a continuity fostered by the on-going methods: sometimes she needs to remind herself that I am miles away.
For some time, I kept ordering small gifts to be sent to my mom’s house, including a hand-knitted scarf and really high-quality soup packs, until she told me “thanks thanks…. but no more… I have had enough. The soup is too sweet for my taste!” At that point, I know that I had done enough: despite my physical absence, there is no lack of my presence in her house and the comfort and support–at times smothering but no less heart-warming–that it brings. 🙂
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Ideally, we all should visit our aged parents and be with them physically and emotionally. When things are not always we want them to be. The above tips should help foster a strong presence of their kids living far away and make parents feel that their kids are there for them as usual. The other day, I revised some old notes to remind myself of some classical western philosophers’ thoughts on identity. English Enlightenment philosopher John Locke said that human identity is constituted by memories and reflections. Immanuel Kant similarly contends that human identity consists of an “inner self” made up of one’s psychological state and rational intellect and an “outer self” made up of one’s sensory perceptions of the physical world. Fill our parents’ lives and minds with concrete, continual presences of their kids living miles away, and the endless and endearing reminders that they are their most beloved parents.